Primary Parenting or How Jobs Fall In Our House

My husband thinks, in our household, there's no such thing as a "primary parent."  I see what he's thinking but I'm convinced that's a natural thing, and no matter how you try there is always a primary parent.  I do think that the primary parent can change at any point - daily, seasonally, or even from morning to evening.

Of course I consider myself the "primary parent" most of the time.  Honestly this is just because I am at home the most.  I feel that parenting also encompasses household tasks.  We have pretty defined "pink" and "blue" jobs (please don't be offended, someone explained them to me this way I thought it was so fitting, if a little stereotypical) in our home.

My "pink" jobs are the laundry, the tidying up (after the kids mostly), and more than half of the meal prep.  His "blue" jobs are putting out the garbage, looking after the cars and the house, and mowing the lawn.  We both can, and do, perform all these tasks, but typically this is how they fall.

In my opinion my jobs are a bit more kid-centric while his are less so.  Doesn't make me a better parent then him - just makes me the one the kids ask for: food items, clothing locating, and any other "where is my..." question.  I'm happy to do those jobs, and sometimes be able to answer those questions.

His jobs allow the kids to "help" him - clean up the yard, tidy the basement (tools and stuff), and carry the recycling bins.  Still equally able to spend time with the kids doing these things, but less likely the kids will ask to take out the garbage, you know?

Dad, though, is also the one who takes them "shopping" the most.  I don't go "shopping" unless I have to.  Groceries are enough for me.  Hubby likes going out and happily lets the girls follow him through Canadian Tire or Home Depot looking at whatever they want.  And apparently he enjoys it and doesn't feel like it's "work" trying to keep track of the kids in a big store when they just stop without saying anything, or wander down aisles when you're busily trying to find either what you're looking for, or someone to help you find what you're looking for.  That's not fun for me.  The kids like to hide, and not listen to me.  This does not help me get my jobs done quickly and efficiently.

And in my home, when it comes to bedtimes I'm still the first choice.  That helps me feel like I'm the primary parent.  Occasionally Rose will ask for Daddy to put her to bed, and I love that!  But mostly the story reading is all me.  I'm secretly sad when I don't get to put them to bed.  But also elated that someone else (Dad or babysitter) can get the job done well in my absence.

I mostly like feeling like the primary parent, but sometimes I just need to hand over the reigns, you know?  I don't want to do it all (and I don't.)  When the kids are constantly asking for "MOM!" I almost lose it.  This is why I started taking ballet class once a week - gives me a break from bedtimes and other "primary parent" duties, and allows hubby a different connection with the girls.

How do the jobs fall in your house?  Do you feel you suffer from "primary parent" syndrome in your house as well?  I'm always interested to hear other's stories, so leave me a comment!

~Jess

New Years Musings From A Modern Mom

When I was younger (and not yet a Mom) my New Years Resolutions were pretty simple, or so I thought.  I'd consider "try to lose weight/be more active"; "read more books" and "keep my home neat and tidy" to be good, attainable ideas.  They were - or should have been.

For the first 2 weeks I could keep track of calories, and set aside time to read and clean.  Soon after that I lost interest.  As I feel everyone (or mostly everyone) does as the new year crawls forward.

Now that I'm a mom, and I've succeeded (very slowly) in losing some weight and increasing my activity level on a daily basis, my ideas for resolutions have changed.


This year I'd like to resolve to be a more involved parent.  I want to be active with my kids, not just for myself.  I want to eat healthier, and cook more, for all of my family to reap the benefits.  I can still try to "read more books," but now that has to include time with the girlies sitting with me and reading together.  And quite frankly "keep my home neat and tidy" has never worked for me, so it's not about to start now.  But this year I can resolve to teach the girls how to be more tidy and clean up when they're done.  They do that sometimes now, but not consistently.

I know the new year is an excellent time to start new things, or to renew those things that got lost over the year or in the holiday hubbub.  I think this past year has been a very successful one for me.  I started doing a few more things for myself that I had let go by the wayside after I had kids.  Being able to get out one night a week, I think, is making a big difference in my mindset - and my activity level, since it's a dance class!  I truthfully don't feel there is anything I need to add or change in my lifestyle right now.  I'm maintaining my weight loss, the girls are happy and healthy, and besides trivial things like "try to eat less take-out" or "magically find a ton of money on the sidewalk" I think we're doing pretty well here.

I want to wish all my readers (and "fans" if I have any of those!) a happy and prosperous new year.  Thank you for your interest in my blog over the past months - I hope to keep to posting fun and interesting things for you all to read.  I am always open to subject ideas as well - just comment any ideas or topics and I'll do my best to craft up something interesting!

What resolutions did you (or will you) make this year?  Have your resolution ideas changed over the years, or after having kids?  Share with me in the comments.

Now I Am A Dance Mom - 6 Weeks Later

Somehow I have survived 6 weeks of dance class.  True, I do only go once a week, but I need that down time to recover so I can manage the next class!  If you missed my first blog post about starting dance class, catch up here.

The exercise I get is not exactly a cardio powerhouse, but I definitely do notice some positive body changes.  While the scale does not reflect what I feel is going on I do notice a stronger core.  I actually have some abdominal definition now (up by my ribs, not down in the "belly" area which I can't seem to tone up at all!), and my hips and legs are toning up but also not getting smaller.  I've always had "big" legs - I'd like to call them muscle-y and now they are!

All the ladies that I've danced with over the weeks are so great!  When I am sure I have no idea what I'm doing they are there with positive words, or they take me aside and show it to me again and help me learn what seems so easy for them.  The environment is amazing for learning with little to no pressure to "keep-up!"

I have learned so much over the last weeks.  The words now mean something (most of the time!) and the steps come a little more easily.  I think part of the enjoyment of these classes is the mental workout of all this learning.  I'm not too worried, I still have a lot of learning to go!

My parents, upon hearing I'm taking ballet classes now, sent me this blast from the past.  This is me at 4 years old.  I have no actual memories of taking ballet, but I've heard rumours.  Now I guess I have proof that this is not my first time at the barre.

I did spend a Wednesday evening at Kingston School of Dance while Emma had her 2 hours of dance classes.  That's the night that Adult Ballet II happens.  The ladies that do both classes were asking if I was there for that, and when I said no they tried to tell me it's just the same as Monday nights.  Well, I watched that class and, while the steps are the same (as they should be - it's ballet!), the class moves at a much faster pace.  No time for me to be stumbling around and not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.  There may come a day where I feel I'm ready to try that out, but it's sure not now!

This week's class was the last before Christmas break.  We got to wear tutus to dance - it was so much fun!  There were only 4 ladies that night, myself included.  I think there are about 12 ladies that may be there at any given week.  Of course with Christmas looming people are very busy, so I wasn't surprised that attendance was down this week.  It was a great class - as it always is.

Since we all felt so fancy in our tutus we took a few photos at the end of class.  I would have liked to get one with Ebon (the teacher) in as well, we did get a nice one.  Here we are, the ladies of Monday night Adult Ballet I.

I am planning to continue with dance for as long as I'm enjoying it.  Maybe someday some of the grace and poise the other ladies embody will be absorbed by me.  I can dream, right? 

Do You Find Time To Read? A Voracious Reader's Decline In The Face Of Family Life

I received the book I'm supposed to review.  Dane Cobain mailed me the book from the UK.  It's a first-run copy, with a personalized note to me in the front.  So awesome!

Angels by Dane Cobain

I am totally a book nerd.  He asked me if I wanted the digital copy.  I don't do "digital" reading, unless it's blog stuff or interesting articles (or anything on Facebook...)  I need a book in my hands, otherwise my focus wanders.  So here is my new book!

So I would like to hear from other busy family people.  If you liked to read before (significant others, kids, careers etc) do you still find time to read now, as much as you'd like?  Now that my daughters are older, I'm finding it a tiny bit easier to sneak in some book time, but it's still rare.

I often try to read before bed.  That is never a good idea, as I drift off after about 10 minutes, unless it's a really (and I mean amazingly, crazy, super) riveting read.  I found the Game of Thrones series great for putting me to sleep - not because it wasn't interesting (I actually loved the series!) but because it was complicated and so many things were going on over so many books I really had to be awake to focus on it all!

On my quiet Wednesdays I can usually carve out an hour, at least, to read whatever I like.  This week it will be this book (to be reviewed as No Rest For The Wicked - watch for that to appear in the next week or so!) and I hope to make a sizeable dent in it.  I'd love to finish reading it for the weekend.

In my previous (before kids) life I could polish this little book off in about 2 days.  I don't think that will happen this week.  When my husband saw it he joked I could read it in one sitting.  It's true there was a time I could, but that time is not now.

This is a pic of the inscription.  In case you can't read it, it says:

Hi Jess, Thanks so much for agreeing to review No Rest For The Wicked.  This is one of fifteen copies that I had printed before I signed with Forsaken - enjoy your rare book. :)
All the best, Dane Cobain

How fun is that??  If my review of this book makes him an international superstar, I'll have a super rare pre-publisher copy!

So needless to say, I'm super stoked to read this book.  It better be good, I don't want to have a write a bad review!  But I don't want to start reading it until I know I have some serious time to devote to reading.  Occasionally I have a tough time getting into a story, and I don't want that to be the case here.

How do you find time to read in your busy family lives?  Short of going outside to read on the deck, I find it hard to fit reading into the daylight hours.  Well, unless I'm at work where I can read on my breaks.  But then it's getting through a book in 15 minute chunks which isn't ideal (at least for me and my reading style).  And then I often have 2 books (at least) on the go, one at work and one at home, which can cause it's own confusion if they're similar at all.

Well, wish me luck setting aside time to get lost in my new book.  And watch for my review sometime in the next week.  I'm sure I'll enjoy this story, and hopefully you'll enjoy my review of it as well!

7 Things I'm Appreciating This Summer

This summer is going along swimmingly.  The kids are 4 and 6 (almost 7) so we're well clear of "baby baggage."  Meaning if we want to go somewhere, we just grab some snacks (and pjs if we'll be out late) and go.  We don't need diaper bags, and planned itineraries, with foreknowledge of all stops between A and B usable for nursing, changing, or just strollering around a baby who's been fussing for ages. I guess this is the first thing I'm grateful for!

• Living where I live - meaning both in Kingston, and in my neighbourhood.  There are tons of events in town during the summer.  Most of the stuff we check out is free, but there are so many interesting things going on we really have to pick and choose what we want to do!  Also we live about 10 minutes from downtown.  This means I get to work quickly and easily, and we can decide whether to do Movies in the Square with only a little lead time and we still get a good seat.
• My clothesline - I know it's corny but I love hanging our clothes outside.  We put up a new section of fence earlier this summer and now I have a nice long clothesline that helps my clothes dry and feel fresh.  Also the kids like to help by handing clothespins and such and soon they'll be able to reach and hang stuff themselves!
• My kids senses of adventure - We took an unplanned hike (quite rugged terrain) and the girls loved it!  They want to do more.  And they want to go to Wonderland and try the rides.  And they like seeing things in the theatre - live plays and stuff (as well as any movie).  I wouldn't say they're thrill seekers, but definitely up for new experiences.
• The weather - Also a corny thought, I love that the weather is always changing.  I love the hot days that I can justify sitting around reading my book, and I love the rainy days that water my gardens.  Watching storm clouds roll up and being outside watching the lightning before the rain.  The other day we had an amazing deluge and then a fantastic double rainbow.  It was beautiful.
• My family - If it wasn't for them (immediate and extended) I wouldn't be able to do as many cool and interesting (to me!) things in my life.  I love that my kids get lots of time with grandparents and aunts and uncles - it gives them different experiences they would not necessarily get with us, and teaches them to be flexible and to learn to obey other's rules.  If any of you are reading this - I appreciate you more than you know!
• All our friends - separately, and together, you have made our live easier and more fun.  Thank you to our neighbours who do look our for our kids and property; my co-workers (who I consider friends) for listening to me, and sometimes joining me, at local events, concerts and attractions and I am so amped up to visit; my mom friends, who I don't see as much as I'd like, but I know you're there if and when I need you; and our random backyard barbecue/cottage/after-event friends who are always up for a good time, kids included.

I know there are more things I'm appreciating this summer, but that's a long enough post for now.  What are you enjoying more this summer?  Anything I miss?  Post it in the comments, and stay tuned for more random mom posts! ;)

Toodles!

Making (And Keeping) Friends Through All Stages of Life

I find the act of having friends changes many times through life. Is anyone out there still friends with kids from Kindergarten?   I'd guess very few. I used to think I was not good at making friends, but I've since decided that's not the case. Sometimes the people you think you want to befriend are not the ones you should befriend.

It took me a long time to figure out who I actually wanted to be friends with in high school. Turns out who I thought I liked I didn't connect with. The problem turned out to be me. I didn't know who I was, so how could I know who to surround myself with? Once I embraced my quirks and individuality I found those people who liked me for me (and my quirks!)

Now that I'm a grownup and a mom, I feel friends are much different than when I was a kid.  I had a collection of highschool friends, then University friends, and now, while I still talk to some of those past friends, my friend requirements have changed again.  It's easy to be friends at school when you all have classes together, or live together, or share teams and other interests.  Once you are truly on your own some of those friendships are hard to keep alive.  For me, I moved into marriage and kids which left some of my friends behind.  They were on the same path, just lagging a bit further behind than me.  Also I moved apart from my friends - even thought we are still in the same town we are scattered around so we don't bump into each other without significant planning.

Once you throw kids into the mix, all bets are off.  I chose to breastfeed, which means being with your baby 24/7 for what feels like ever.  In reality it's like 4 months until baby can sleep for a long stretch or be more amused by other people, before mom (milk factory) can escape for a bit.  I think it's normal to lose some non-parent friends at this stage.  You're not in the same life phase, and oftentimes they just don't get what life is like with kids.  But you are also in a perfect place to make new-parent friends.  They can be found a playgroups, libraries, daycare centres etc.

Right now, in my life, I have very few friends that I see socially.  I'm 35, married, 2 kids ages 4 and 6, working 30+ hours per week and blogging.  There are a lot of people I think of as friends, but the categories they fall into are more co-worker, neighbour, and friends I talk to online but rarely see in person.  And then, of course, there's my husband who's my best friend, and the friend I spend all my time with. :)

I try to plan and coordinate events or things to do with my friends, but life is busy for everyone.  Now that my kids are finally out of toddlerhood and are happy with Dad or babysitter putting them to bed, I'm finding it easier to get out more.  This Friday night I'm going to a concert - but likely by myself as I haven't found that perfect music-loving friend that would enjoy it as much as me.

Not sure if there's a moral to my story, but I've always been interested in the social changes people go through in life.  Anyone out there have any other thoughts on making friends throughout life?  Or tips for maintaining friendships through the busy stages of life?  Please leave a comment if you read this all the way through (it's a long post for me!) and share your friend-making stories.  Hope you enjoyed!

Toodles!

Nature Loving Mom

I am a self-described nature lover.  I love being outside, walking in the woods, reading in the sun, swimming in lakes, gardening and any other outdoor activity.  I've been hanging out my laundry every possible moment.  We try to keep our birdfeeders filled so I can watch the birds.  It's in my DNA, and it was the way I was raised.

A few weeks ago the family and I saw a spider egg sack hatch out what looked like a million spiders.  They were cute and tiny and yellow.  We have always had a ton of spiders around our house and yard.  I think spiders of all sorts are super cool (they eat tons of bad bugs!) but also pretty creepy.  Last summer I had huge yellow spiders in my vegetable garden (at the tomatoes) and they were cool and had yellow patterning, but creepy because they were so big. If I remember correctly they were called "Yellow Garden Spiders" - original name, right?  I'm a little concerned these are the same brand of spider.  I've already seen them on my tomato cages, as well as on my fold-up clothes dryer I have outside.  These tiny spiders make cute tiny webs, but when they get bigger they will stop being so cute, I'm sure.

I remember last summer there being spiderwebs everywhere every morning.  The girls needed me to clear out all the areas on their play structure every day - and if we don't go out one day the webs are huge the second day!  There would also be webs from the car's mirrors to the house - you'd walk through them every morning because you could not see them!  Ick.  But the worst were the huge webs all through the garden with these giant spiders right in the middle - and if you broke the web apart it was back an hour later with the same giant spider in the middle.  And all I want is to pick my delicious tomatoes!  Very cool, though, were the dead bugs captured in these huge webs, all wrapped up and likely already digested by the spider's venom.  And being able to look at these spiders up close just increases their creepiness, but also my fascination with these amazing predators that help me keep my mosquito population under control!

I don't plan to do anything to discourage the spiders as I do, for sure, have an awesome fascination with these helpful, creepy, creatures!

Toodles!

Is "Mom" a Style?

I like to think I'm not totally un-fashionable.  However sometimes I know that's not true.  I think Mom Fashion should totally be a style.  You know, the jeans, t-shirt and ponytail look?  Or maybe leggings and longer shirt that may or may not go with the pants.  I embrace my random looks.  One day I can put on a dress and actually do something with my hair and I can look great.  But the next day I can't even find 2 socks that match, so I just don't care.  On those days I wear whatever pants are in the heap and aren't really dirty - or at least that's my aim but I'd be lying if I said there weren't days I got to work only realize I did spill or smear something on these pants.  Such is the life of a mom.

Parents with kids: what's your style?  Do you feel like you have a style?  Or is just aiming for clean, almost coordinated clothes style enough?

I see lots of moms in my travels around who look fabulous.  I often wonder how they have time to do their hair and keep it looking nice when my kids are always wanting to "brush" or "style" my hair, so however it started is not the way it looks right now.  Or where they got that outfit that totally goes with everything, everywhere, all the time; and if it cost them more than I make in a week.  Conversely I see lots of moms who tried maybe as hard as me, or maybe less, with their "look" for the day.  It's a funny thing.

I feel a bit like dads have it easier.  They wear one hairstyle (generally) and most of their tops match any of their pants.  Their choices for the day are running shoes or sandals, and long sleeves or short?  I know lots of men out there put a lot of time and effort into their appearance, just not a lot of the ones I know personally.  I'm not saying the men I know don't like nice - quite the opposite.  I'm just saying I bet they didn't agonize over their choices when they got dressed in the morning.  Some days I can pick out about 5 outfits and none work for how I'm feeling that day - this is not helped by my weight loss and subsequent lack of clothes that fit nicely.  I'm slowly remedying this, but it's a long (potentially expensive) process.

So to go back to my original point: I am lobbying for Mom to be a style which encompasses everyone who literally throws something on because their kids are yelling that they have nothing to wear/eat/pack for lunch etc. in the mornings.  It's not a sloppy style, unless that's really what you're going for.  It's just a relaxed look that says "I have better things to do with my life than worry about my outfits every day."

Toodles!

One of Those Days

Some days I just can't handle my mom life.  Everything irks me: the kids are too loud, the dishes are piled up just for me, everyone's shoes are in the middle of the floor and I can't escape even for 2 minutes.  On these days sometimes I just want to go "home"...until I realize I am home and the "home" I'm thinking of I gave up 15 years ago to move forward into adulthood.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom life.  These little people who just want to sit with (or on) me all the time just because they love me are fabulous and a continuous sense of wonder and joy in my life.  But once in a while I like some "me" time.  Even when I have time at home without the girls I rarely take time just for me.  I'll go get groceries and do dishes and laundry, sweep the floors, and clean up the toys that I keep stepping on, before everyone gets home to eat the food, dirty the dishes and create more mess and laundry.  It's a vicious cycle.

Now that I'm blogging (which I am enjoying immensely by the way) I've taken away a few more of those quiet minutes I try to sneak during the day.  But the writing actually allows me to unburden myself of some of those feelings that get pent up when you are frustrated with your kids or family.  I really don't want to yell at the kids, or be upset with my hubby, when I don't know why I'm frustrated in the first place.  So by taking time out to write about it I can feel my feelings and describe what went on (if I really want to) and work through it.  For me it's quite therapeutic.

In case you haven't picked up on it, it's been one of 'those' weekends.  Hubby was away all day yesterday so I had to deal with every need/want/crisis etc that cropped up.  Thankfully it was an alright day, but when the neighbour kids congregate in our yard I feel like I have to "mom" them too, and so I truck out snacks and drinks and whatever else they may need as well as tending to my own offspring.  I love that the kids like to play in our yard, and it keeps it easy for me to watch over them (without helicoptering) but sometimes I feel overwhelmed.  Sometimes when I'm alone after the kids go to bed I just sit and have a little cry, and I don't really even know why, but it releases some of the tension I was feeling during the day.

I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to drink my tea while it's hot, or surf the internet for 5 minutes without someone climbing into my lap and demanding to "play games!" or even read a book for more than 2 minutes at a time (and subsequently reading the same two pages over and over.)  But I guess such is the life of a mom!

Toodles!

Pregnancies and Weight Stuggles

I was at my heaviest when I was pregnant with my first baby.  Makes sense, right?  Well yes, and no.  I went ahead and had a second baby and I did not gain any weight, except maybe 5 lbs at the very end.  In fact I started that pregnancy losing weight, which was somewhat of a concern to doctors, but not to me.  I topped out at almost 200 lbs right before I had my first child.  That was way too much for me.  I'm only 5'2 so I would go so far as to say I was fat.  I didn't lose any weight (at least that I remember) after Emma was born and I slept so little I may have even gained more.  For 2.5 years I was quite large.  Then I got pregnant with Rose.

For the first 2 months I lost maybe 10 lbs - not a concern to me, well except for the non-stop "morning" sickness which I had all day during both my pregnancies, since I was happy to see the scale going down, and then staying the same.  The doctor (and her student doctor) were surprised to see my uterus growing but my weight declining.  I did not gain anything during my pregnancy with Rose, and by the end (after birth) I think was down to 160 lbs.  After her birth I realized at once she was going to be an "easy" child (after my first hellion who only nursed or cried for her first 6 months of life, until she starting being more mobile but still nursed and cried a lot).  Rose was happy to sleep on her own (we co-slept with Emma for a year plus) and she only nursed when she was hungry, and I could put her down awake and she would stay asleep - all the most wonderous things a small baby can do to make a parent happy.

So I thought maybe I could try to get rid of a bit more of this extra weight, and I signed up with My Fitness Pal and tried tracking my calories.  I was already down to a size 12 from the 14s and 16s I was wearing before I got back into my maternity clothes, and I had to buy new clothes to go back to work after my maternity leave.  My Fitness Pal was actually great for allowing me to see where I was eating too many calories.  So I tried to just eat a "serving" of each food I was eating (unless it was vegetables) and made an effort to cut back on eating at night and having too much junk.  And you know what?  It worked!  I still eat everything I was eating before - just not as much - and I am (slightly) more active - I put on music and dance when I'm doing housework, and I've got a parking spot about 6 blocks from my workplace - and I'm happy with my weight right now.  My youngest is now 4, so after about 3 years I've lost almost 30 lbs.  Now my struggle is finding new clothes that fit.  I can't really wrap my mind around the idea that I'm a size 6 now!  That and I hate spending money on clothes when I have a whole closet full of stuff to wear, even though it doesn't fit!

Moral of the story - don't give up, and small changes really do add up.  I feel more comfortable in my own skin now, and I have more energy for playing with the girls.  Life is good.

Toodles!